Category Archives: Unhealthy Relationships

The Less Spoken Voice

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The Less Spoken Voice MENTooIn a hurry to get to appointments, I was quickly walking through the parking garage. Unexpectedly, a man’s voice called out to me in a muffled echo through the concrete encasement of the stairwell, “I read your book! That’s exactly how my relationship is!” I looked down to see a face looking up at me halfway between the second and third flight of stairs. My look of puzzlement must have revealed the only thought stuck in my head, “Hmmm. Okay. My book was for women.” He continued, “You know, The Attractive Trap.” In continued surprise and gratitude, I was finally able to say, “Thanks so much! That means a lot.  I hope you’ll write a review.” He did, and through my network I learned that he courageously filed for divorce. Today, he’s in a happy relationship.

Fast forward a year later. While seated at a table for an annual domestic violence fundraising luncheon, I listened intently as a 55-year old male told his story of domestic abuse. He described the continued physical, mental and emotional abuse he endured for many years. In shame, he and the predictable four women who accompanied him on the stage, each told their riveting stories of abuse and ultimate escape. As I looked around the room, eyes were wide, heads were nodding and tears were flowing.

How did I miss this? Why are we not talking about the full spectrum of abuse more? In the last two years, women have been coming out in droves to share their stories of toxic relationships and living in domestic abuse. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have been victims of severe physical violence in their lifetime.

The Less Spoken Voice - mentoo metooAs I shared in my last blog, women stay for many reasons – even while abused. Shame is a primary reason women AND men remain trapped in silence. Regardless of gender – it’s about time! It’s about time we ALL started speaking up. What can we do to get more men to talk about their current lives of desperation in embattled relationships or their heroic stories of escape? What can we all do to make sure men are comfortable, safe and confident in sharing their stories the way women are starting to come out?

Here are some possibilities:

  • Domestic violence ads need to start featuring males as well as females in their awareness campaigns. By seeing their faces on an ad linked to abuse, maybe men can follow this lead with their voices and actions as a cry for help.
  • The campaigns should be on the stalls of male restrooms and fitting rooms and in male-targeted media to reinforce to men, “Hey, dudes, it’s not just about the women!”
  • We all need to talk about female and male abuse more. In my book and presentations, I typically only refer to women. That’s because I have a heart for women who are trapped in toxic and abusive relationships. It’s now my goal to also acknowledge that domestic violence isn’t just about women. There are many men trapped who need to be set free as well.

Women have been advocating for each other for years on many issues. We still have miles to go before we sleep. It’s time for women and men to make sure the voices of everyone who is currently struggling and who have struggled in abusive relationships to be heard are counted.

As the echoes hopefully begin through the proverbial stairwell of today’s culture, we’ll probably be more shocked and saddened than we can begin to imagine.

Men, stand up, speak your voice, and be counted.

#MENtoo #metoo #itsabouttime #whywestayed

Why Did We Stay?

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Why Did We StayBy Teresa G. Carey

“I’m confused. Why didn’t you just leave?”, a friend questioned with a pure spirit and curious intention after reading my book about unhealthy relationships, The Attractive Trap™. That’s a valid question. Why did I stay in a relationship that was so undeniably toxic looking back at it on the other side of it many years later? Well, there are reasons I stayed. And they are not good reasons or ones that I’m proud of.

Today I’m even more affirmed in leaving because I have lots of company. Every time I watch or read the news, I see my tribe. I don’t know them and they don’t know me, but we are intimately familiar with each other’s stories. While it may seem like a BFO (Blinding Flash of the Obvious) that women who have been emotionally, verbally, mentally or physically abused should get out as soon as the abuse occurs, it’s not that easy. So, just in case you’ve asked or wondered, here’s why we stayed:

We’re ashamed of our circumstance. After all, what will others think of us when we finally come out and share the truth? What kind of judgment will be imposed? Come on – how could an educated, smart beautiful woman be caught in such a trap of lies and abuse?  In shame we stayed.

We’re deceived throughout the dance of the relationship, and eventually we believe the lies. This is referred to as grooming. The deceit is so gradual that it subtly works its way in and is quickly disguised as truth. It starts to feel natural. The abuser escalates their controlling and manipulative behaviors over time, so eventually what’s abnormal seems normal. When we call them out, they call us crazy or explain why it’s our fault (known as “gaslighting”). In our confusion, we stayed.

We don’t see a way out because we’ve forgotten we have options. After all, “the devil we know is better than the one we don’t.” What if the partner is right? What if we can’t get a divorce because it’s wrong? What if no one else will want a woman with three young kids? When hope occasionally surfaces in our minds and hesitantly asks, “Is there really a better life on the other side?”, the glimmer is quieted by the exponential heap of doubt that’s been reinforced over and over by the abuser. In distorted reality, we stayed.

We think we’re doing those we love a favor by staying – especially the kids. How could anyone want their kids to be the product of a divorced family? Won’t they be damaged forever? Is the emotional trauma of what a broken home does to a child worse than being surrounded by toxic behaviors? And, of course, there’s the reputation of the extended family that’s at stake. Who wants the stigma of being the first divorced in the family? It seems a daunting and impossible choice that is rinsed and repeated nonstop. Since it seemed to be a no-win proposition, we stayed.

We worry about what the message of us leaving sends to our church or what it says about our faith. We were taught divorce was wrong. Articles flood our social media feed from Christian friends claiming marriage isn’t about our happiness. Rather, it’s about sacrifice, serving and forgiveness. How dare we be so selfish to want a fulfilling and happy marriage. The book of James in the Bible tells us that we’re supposed to enjoy troubles of any kind that come our way and count them as joy. In legalism, we stayed.

Until we couldn’t anymore. There came a time when we realized, based on any confluence of events or people, we knew without a doubt life wasn’t normal. Like a splash of cold water, we saw the truth of how it was harming our family, our children and us. And the epiphany continued to shine through that we deserve much, much more.

To those of you who have chosen to reveal the truth and leave, welcome to this place of freedom. I’ve been waiting for you to join me. I’m not famous – so you won’t see me in the news. But I am courageous, so you can read about my story and the story of ordinary women in my book, The Attractive Trap: Freeing Yourself from an Unhealthy Relationship (2016).

I knew you were coming. It’s about time.

#metoo #timesup #itsabout time

Be Like Rick

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Just last week a friend sent me a link to a blog by Rick Steves entitled, “What Would You Have Done?” Yes, this is THE Rick Steves, travel guide extraordinaire, whose world famous pocket size books recently navigated me through Amsterdam, Venice, Florence and Tuscany. His advice allowed us to visit the most coveted sites in our destination cites, so he was a hero to me before reading his blog. And now, I’m ready to start a Rick Steves fan club – but for a different reason.

This particular read wasn’t in his typical genre where he reviews a geographical area, an attraction or a favored restaurant. Rather, it was about what he observed and heard at a restaurant he was visiting in Ireland. Steves shared his account of an abusive situation he witnessed at a nearby table. Because I admire how masterfully he handled it, I’m compelled to share what Rick Steves taught us.

As it turns out, Steves and I have something in common. We have both observed women in restaurants trying to enjoy dinner while being verbally abused by the men who accompanied them. In his blog, he shares how he listened to the string of insults and complaints for 30 minutes until he couldn’t take anymore. Finally, he approached the abuser (I’m not sure he deserves the title of man) and called him on his behavior.

At one time in my life, I was that woman. I experienced several dinners, even publicly, getting bruised with a good old fashioned tongue lashing. One evening, there was a bonus round with a swift kick under the table. According to him, I deserved it.

Then, many years later, life came full circle.  I, too, witnessed a woman being verbally abused two years ago on my honeymoon. After some harsh words, there was a loud, stinging hand slap to her leg. With the help of waitress and another woman at a nearby table, we were able to give her the cash and a plan to escape in a cab while her boyfriend was away from the table. I shared this story in Chapter 8 of my book, The Attractive Trap, and added a reflection on the times I was in this situation.  However, one night something happened within me. I got my groove back and left the restaurant. And thankfully, soon after that, I had the courage to leave the relationship.

Here’s the bold truth we don’t acknowledge – if words could impose physical and not just emotional, mental and psychological damage, the women who endure this abuse would end up with a blood stained face, a black eye, and other visual damage. Even though there’s no outward evidence for many women, few things are more diminishing or harmful.  Over time, the inward damage can seem almost insurmountable as the impact reaps its harvest in the form of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, autoimmune illnesses and a host of other mental and physical diseases.

Verbal abuse is real. The abuser gets release and even satisfaction by lashing out at others about anything they claim happens to be your fault. The fact they’re berating another person even while in public isn’t an obstacle for them. They are so far removed from the harsh reality of how they show up and their impact on others, that slicing and dicing someone up openly is just another conversation in their world.

If you happen to ever be privy to this type of abuse, please step up and say something. While logically we may think, “Well, if she can’t stand up for herself, why should I?” excuses us from an intervention, it doesn’t. What many don’t realize is the women in these situations have been groomed for many years into thinking this is normal. Over time they feel they don’t have a voice. It’s ugly. It’s sick. And, it’s time to stand up.

Please – Be Like Rick.   To read Rick Steves’ blog, click here.

Passion and Control – Good Lovin’ Gone Bad

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Ahhh…. It’s February and love is in the air. It’s the month of when we traditionally demonstrate and hopefully celebrate our passion for friends, significant others and family members. Red is everywhere and it’s only taken a few red hearts and boxes of chocolate these past few weeks as we’ve walked into a retail store to remind us of the importance of expressing ourselves to show those we are passionate about how we truly feel.

I’ve been reflecting on all those Valentine’s Days and many other days when I was with someone, but yet so alone. Passion and what once felt like real love seemed to escape me and become a stranger. Passion is tricky – it can show up in many ways- even as hate. We usually think of passion as a key marker that defines the spark or energy in a relationship. Often it’s this chemistry or passion that we use to decide if someone is dating or even friendship material.

After being in the desert for many years in a 23 year old marriage, I was desperate for passion! And unfortunately, the words of Proverbs 27:7 were never truer: “A person who is full refuses honey, but even bitter food tastes sweet to the hungry.” We can be so hungry that what is disguised as passion is actually unhealthy control. How do we know the difference? Here are just a few of the markers of unhealthy passion and control:

Grandiosity – Are there gifts and certain actions that are over the top? Does it seem too good to be true? If someone is giving you a credit card or offering a lavish trip after only dating for one month, these are sure fire signs that control may be part of their M.O. Even if they can afford it, there is no rationalization for such outlandish behavior this early in a normal relationship.

The Offer of Financial Security – If someone is continually offering to buy things for you or suggesting you “need” them to take care of even the basics in your life, they may be grooming you for dependence. When someone starts saying you don’t need to work as much or that they will work and pay for everything are just starters. If it’s your goal to stay home at some point, that’s fine. However, if this discussion starts to unfold early before the talk of marriage or kids, it can signify they are setting you up to feel you have to rely on them for money.

Over Doting and Too Much Together Time – If your honey wants to be with you day and night offering little along time for either of you, they may have attachment issues that lead to excessive control. Is there a need to be close at all times? Are they looking for intimacy several times per day? Do you sometimes feel smothered? When you are alone, are you peppered with questions before and/or after you’re apart? There may even be a subtle or overt isolation from others who’ve been they perceive as a threat. If any of these are occurring, their insecurity with themselves and your relationship are spiraling into control.

Initially, there may be a fine line between passion and control. Yet over time, you will discern the differences if you honor your heart and intuition as well as stay aware of patterns of behavior. What may surface as genuine care, love and compassion in the beginning, are really the signs for a need for control. In your hunger for passion, you may have just attracted a controlling partner. The earlier you can recognize these signs and step away from this trap, the sooner you can attract true passion without the price being too high.

Just. One. Word.

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Just. One. Word.

What’s the power of a single word? Just one word? If you could only pick one word to guide your thoughts and actions for this year, what would it be?

At the beginning of each year, many feel internal and/ or external pressure to make the traditional New Year’s resolutions. Those arguing resolutions are too esoteric may pen more measurable and realistic aspirations, or goals. Whatever camp you’re in, let me suggest changing up or even expanding upon your approach for 2017.

In The Attractive Trap, I highlight the importance of claiming your purpose and passion to help guide you on your journey. Having a word as your mantra or “word of the year” can help you find that focus. When you go through the grit of a difficult marriage or relationship, you have to refigure yourself out and having a “word of the year” can help you focus and stay on track to your core values and what you want to focus on as you begin to grow and develop your calling or purpose.

For the past several years, I’ve chosen one word as “the word of the year”. Since 1915, Webster has also selected a word of the year so I can’t claim they got the idea from me. In 2015, instead of selecting a word for the year, Wikipedia chose an emoticon/pictograph of the year. A sure sign of the times!
I can’t tell you how or the exact year this idea started for me – only that it’s worked brilliantly in providing focus on what’s important and in guiding choices.

The year I needed to make a major life decision, my word was CHOICES. For perhaps the first time ever, I realized I had a choice in that situation. It was transforming. The next year, my word was ADVENTURE. At the tender age of 47, I started swimming, biking and running, and learned about my love for triathlons. In another year, the word was ABUNDANCE. Everything I needed, and even some things I wanted, found me. The next year the word was GRATITUDE – for my family and husband, my health, and the gift of rising every day to live life doing what I love. Last year my word was SIMPLIFY. My last of three children left for college. For the first time in almost 26 years, the nest was empty so I decluttered, chose commitments wisely as well as eliminated what didn’t feed my soul. This year my word is JOY – having that eternal feeling of inner bliss in all situations.

What’s your one word? Share it on our Facebook page. It’s Just. One. Word. And, it’s guaranteed to help you connect with your purpose and become the butterfly you’re meant to be.

Freedom Shows Up in the Most Unexpected Places

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Freedom shows up
It was a typical humid August day in Yadkin County, NC. I had been in my hometown for just a few days with the family for our annual summer trip. On this morning I was sitting outside in the early hours alone, just thinking – a rarity for a normal day. As I savored my last few sips of coffee, I realized I had seen three yellow butterflies close enough to catch.

Reluctantly moving on with my day, I gathered up my gym bag and headed to the local YMCA. While driving there, I spotted yet another butterfly. Why was this significant to me? My book cover designer claimed a single butterfly months before as the visual representation for freedom on the cover of my book, The Attractive Trap. So for me, these colorful and symbolic creatures now rarely go unnoticed.

Once at the gym, I checked the box on my swim then headed to the stationary bike. Within minutes of choosing my ride for the next hour, a companion cyclist made her way to the bike beside of me. Something on HGTV caught our attention at the same time and in unison we commented to each other. This was the beginning of what will be a long remembered conversation.

Velma introduced herself as we continued our talk. Maybe we were chatting to pass the time, or perhaps it was that we both sensed there was something deeper to our new connection. Ultimately we discovered it was the latter. Velma, a spry 72 year old beauty, had recently moved back to the area to be with family. As our talk progressed, the commonality stunned me.

Velma, one of eight children, had left home right after high school to be with someone she had met on a whim in NYC. She put herself through nursing school, worked hard, and was a strong, purposeful woman. In spite of her spunk, and maybe even because of it, Velma had attracted and married a “trapper”.

Velma continued to stay in NYC, knowing all the while she was being abused. But “it wasn’t that often”, and rarely physical. With so many miles between her and her family in NC, she opted to stay, even though her few eventual confidantes encouraged her to leave. For more than 30 years, Velma stayed in the trap. One day, with an earthshattering awakening, Velma broke free. That was seven years ago and now, she was back home in NC, on a bike – the first claim to freedom for all of us.

The sweat started to surface on Velma’s yellow shirt as she rode and talked. From my vantage point, it was as though the tears cried inside of her had been collected all of those years and were now releasing through her skin. Our collision wasn’t a simple coincidence. It was heaven-breathed. I was Velma and Velma was me.

As the sweat continued to cool Velma, I felt it too. Those were my tears and part of my labored course on the path to freedom. Like Velma, I became free and transformed into a butterfly. That was the part of the story that brought smiles to our faces as our encounter came to a joyful close.

Velma was the last butterfly I saw that day, but I’ve continued to see them. And most of them, like freedom, show up in the most unexpected places.

How Shame Drives How We Show Up – Or Not

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Don't be ashamed of your story
It’s intriguing to observe what people say and do. It’s often even more intriguing to notice what they don’t.

A few months ago, I published a book called, The Attractive Trap: Freeing Yourself from an Unhealthy Relationship. I was called to write this book because I know there are women caught in a variety of traps in relationships. How do I know this? I lived in The Trap for 23 years. I almost got caught a second time. I’m not alone. Once I broke my silence, I heard countless stories from women who shared the traps of current and past relationships.

This wasn’t an easy choice for me. It’s shameful. It’s embarrassing. Yet, after wrestling with this calling, I had to open the box.
There are many books about physical abuse, but few about the traps of emotional, mental and even spiritual abuse. The signs are hard to recognize at first, and once we do, it’s even more difficult to talk about the experience.

It’s become apparent to me in marketing the book that people are simply uncomfortable speaking out about this epidemic that affects one in four women.

Interestingly, I have 421 personal Facebook friends. Recently, I posted a photo of the fried hushpuppies my family and I devoured during a visit to my hometown. Within hours, it received 40 “Likes.” Contrast that to a July 4th post in which I placed a whimsical and patriotic picture of a bike on The Attractive Trap Facebook page to represent freedom. To generate discussion, I asked the question, “What does freedom mean to you?” Maybe freedom is such a lost concept we don’t even know how to answer. Maybe the 2,359 people it reached were busy eating hotdogs and watermelon. Maybe, just maybe, they were too ashamed to admit they don’t have personal freedom. Only two brave souls were willing to share their descriptions of freedom.

A month before, I posed a more serious and riveting question, “What would you do if you knew one of your loved ones was in an abusive relationship?” I received one “like” (and that was from my devoted husband). No responses. God help us. I hope this isn’t reflective of how we would show up for the people we love. If so, God help them.

It’s been perhaps even more telling to experience what my friends have said and not said. Some are elated. Some are dead silent. One questioned why I would broach this and not leave it in the past.

We’ve got to get over our shame if we are going to face this issue head on. Maybe you’re not in The Trap. I pray you aren’t. However, I can guarantee you know someone who is. It’s your sister or your neighbor or your co-worker or your best friend. What are you going to do about it?

Shame is a trap – for all of us. Not because of what it makes us do. But more because of what it causes us not to do. And that’s the real shame…