Author Archives: Teresa Carey

Freedom’s Gift of Faithfulness

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Freedom’s Gift of Faithfulness As though it was a friend that was painstakingly selected and nurtured, I said a tough goodbye to the Nichols and Stone cherry table and chairs as they passed through the front door. They were moved out the day of property division, along with many other items that just weren’t as meaningful. It wasn’t just furniture to me. It was a place where I had fed my kids many meals. We had shared stories and laughter. While some moments shared there weren’t always pleasant, I would choose to remember the good times.

We were left with a big empty kitchen floor and bar top that seated three – yet there were four of us. Having meals together was sacred to me. How would I solve this, among all the other new challenges that presented themselves endlessly during this time of endless change? As in other times of need, I opted to pray earnestly for a functional table and chairs. And, as long as I was asking, it needed to be functional, as well as have great visual appeal in a home that was also being sold.

The next day I set out to find a replacement. I was drawn to a resell store I had heard about, in hopes the new find wouldn’t break a budget that was already stretched due to a divorce. When I walked in and described what I was looking for, the owner in surprise said, “We just had a table and chairs delivered that sounds exactly like what you want. It’s still in the back. Come take a look.” My expectant heart was nervous as I wondered if my search could really be this easy. When I saw the set, I was in disbelief. It was better than what I had hoped for or imagined. It was a bigger table, with seating for 8 instead of 6.  Although it wasn’t cherry, the maple brownish red stained top passed as a close resemblance, and the black painted accents matched my décor perfectly. The price was exactly what I budgeted.

That was ten years ago. Many fond and precious times were had at this new gathering place in our next home where freedom birthed many new beginnings. It was a sign of provision and faithfulness to me each time I glanced at it or sat down at it to break bread. Over the years, the seats had become lovingly worn from the rivet marks of fancy jeans’ pockets. A few missing touches of black paint were barely apparent.

I recently decided to upgrade our kitchen area. With a reluctant spirit, I posted the table, chairs and matching bench for sale online. After a few hits from curious, but not serious contenders, I received a message of unquestionable intent. “If this isn’t sold, I’ll take it. May I pick it up tonight?” We quickly firmed up a plan. My throat had a lump and I unexpectedly became emotional, along with the relief to just be done. As promised, the new owner arrived with eagerness to take my friend that was originally a mere substitute – yet had turned out to be so much more.

As we carried it piece by piece out to her truck, I teared up. I asked her if she was a believer. She confidently said, “Yes I am.” That was the gateway into my story of how this wasn’t just furniture. It was a sign of God’s faithfulness and promise. She then shared that she was having a group of women from her church over the next evening, and when she saw this table, she was drawn to it after looking at countless others. This dear woman, who now felt eerily familiar to me, told me about the traditional Southern feast she would be cooking and serving as the first meal fitting for this table. I told her this made the ending and new beginning even sweeter. As a Southern girl who had grown up and filled her stomach on the very fried chicken and gravy and peach cobbler she was preparing for her guests, my heart was now full as well.

My journey of freedom is full of countless stories of faithfulness. I was compelled to share this one to give others hope. When we step into or are called into the unknown, fear can consume us. We naturally ask, “Can I make it work?” “Will I be able to do this on my own?” along with many “What if…?” questions that cause us even more unnecessary worry and stress.

Remember to just simply believe. Trusting our Provider frees us from worry and sets us on a path to discover and rest on the true and lasting faithfulness of our Promise Keeper.

The Less Spoken Voice

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The Less Spoken Voice MENTooIn a hurry to get to appointments, I was quickly walking through the parking garage. Unexpectedly, a man’s voice called out to me in a muffled echo through the concrete encasement of the stairwell, “I read your book! That’s exactly how my relationship is!” I looked down to see a face looking up at me halfway between the second and third flight of stairs. My look of puzzlement must have revealed the only thought stuck in my head, “Hmmm. Okay. My book was for women.” He continued, “You know, The Attractive Trap.” In continued surprise and gratitude, I was finally able to say, “Thanks so much! That means a lot.  I hope you’ll write a review.” He did, and through my network I learned that he courageously filed for divorce. Today, he’s in a happy relationship.

Fast forward a year later. While seated at a table for an annual domestic violence fundraising luncheon, I listened intently as a 55-year old male told his story of domestic abuse. He described the continued physical, mental and emotional abuse he endured for many years. In shame, he and the predictable four women who accompanied him on the stage, each told their riveting stories of abuse and ultimate escape. As I looked around the room, eyes were wide, heads were nodding and tears were flowing.

How did I miss this? Why are we not talking about the full spectrum of abuse more? In the last two years, women have been coming out in droves to share their stories of toxic relationships and living in domestic abuse. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have been victims of severe physical violence in their lifetime.

The Less Spoken Voice - mentoo metooAs I shared in my last blog, women stay for many reasons – even while abused. Shame is a primary reason women AND men remain trapped in silence. Regardless of gender – it’s about time! It’s about time we ALL started speaking up. What can we do to get more men to talk about their current lives of desperation in embattled relationships or their heroic stories of escape? What can we all do to make sure men are comfortable, safe and confident in sharing their stories the way women are starting to come out?

Here are some possibilities:

  • Domestic violence ads need to start featuring males as well as females in their awareness campaigns. By seeing their faces on an ad linked to abuse, maybe men can follow this lead with their voices and actions as a cry for help.
  • The campaigns should be on the stalls of male restrooms and fitting rooms and in male-targeted media to reinforce to men, “Hey, dudes, it’s not just about the women!”
  • We all need to talk about female and male abuse more. In my book and presentations, I typically only refer to women. That’s because I have a heart for women who are trapped in toxic and abusive relationships. It’s now my goal to also acknowledge that domestic violence isn’t just about women. There are many men trapped who need to be set free as well.

Women have been advocating for each other for years on many issues. We still have miles to go before we sleep. It’s time for women and men to make sure the voices of everyone who is currently struggling and who have struggled in abusive relationships to be heard are counted.

As the echoes hopefully begin through the proverbial stairwell of today’s culture, we’ll probably be more shocked and saddened than we can begin to imagine.

Men, stand up, speak your voice, and be counted.

#MENtoo #metoo #itsabouttime #whywestayed

Why Did We Stay?

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Why Did We StayBy Teresa G. Carey

“I’m confused. Why didn’t you just leave?”, a friend questioned with a pure spirit and curious intention after reading my book about unhealthy relationships, The Attractive Trap™. That’s a valid question. Why did I stay in a relationship that was so undeniably toxic looking back at it on the other side of it many years later? Well, there are reasons I stayed. And they are not good reasons or ones that I’m proud of.

Today I’m even more affirmed in leaving because I have lots of company. Every time I watch or read the news, I see my tribe. I don’t know them and they don’t know me, but we are intimately familiar with each other’s stories. While it may seem like a BFO (Blinding Flash of the Obvious) that women who have been emotionally, verbally, mentally or physically abused should get out as soon as the abuse occurs, it’s not that easy. So, just in case you’ve asked or wondered, here’s why we stayed:

We’re ashamed of our circumstance. After all, what will others think of us when we finally come out and share the truth? What kind of judgment will be imposed? Come on – how could an educated, smart beautiful woman be caught in such a trap of lies and abuse?  In shame we stayed.

We’re deceived throughout the dance of the relationship, and eventually we believe the lies. This is referred to as grooming. The deceit is so gradual that it subtly works its way in and is quickly disguised as truth. It starts to feel natural. The abuser escalates their controlling and manipulative behaviors over time, so eventually what’s abnormal seems normal. When we call them out, they call us crazy or explain why it’s our fault (known as “gaslighting”). In our confusion, we stayed.

We don’t see a way out because we’ve forgotten we have options. After all, “the devil we know is better than the one we don’t.” What if the partner is right? What if we can’t get a divorce because it’s wrong? What if no one else will want a woman with three young kids? When hope occasionally surfaces in our minds and hesitantly asks, “Is there really a better life on the other side?”, the glimmer is quieted by the exponential heap of doubt that’s been reinforced over and over by the abuser. In distorted reality, we stayed.

We think we’re doing those we love a favor by staying – especially the kids. How could anyone want their kids to be the product of a divorced family? Won’t they be damaged forever? Is the emotional trauma of what a broken home does to a child worse than being surrounded by toxic behaviors? And, of course, there’s the reputation of the extended family that’s at stake. Who wants the stigma of being the first divorced in the family? It seems a daunting and impossible choice that is rinsed and repeated nonstop. Since it seemed to be a no-win proposition, we stayed.

We worry about what the message of us leaving sends to our church or what it says about our faith. We were taught divorce was wrong. Articles flood our social media feed from Christian friends claiming marriage isn’t about our happiness. Rather, it’s about sacrifice, serving and forgiveness. How dare we be so selfish to want a fulfilling and happy marriage. The book of James in the Bible tells us that we’re supposed to enjoy troubles of any kind that come our way and count them as joy. In legalism, we stayed.

Until we couldn’t anymore. There came a time when we realized, based on any confluence of events or people, we knew without a doubt life wasn’t normal. Like a splash of cold water, we saw the truth of how it was harming our family, our children and us. And the epiphany continued to shine through that we deserve much, much more.

To those of you who have chosen to reveal the truth and leave, welcome to this place of freedom. I’ve been waiting for you to join me. I’m not famous – so you won’t see me in the news. But I am courageous, so you can read about my story and the story of ordinary women in my book, The Attractive Trap: Freeing Yourself from an Unhealthy Relationship (2016).

I knew you were coming. It’s about time.

#metoo #timesup #itsabout time

Be Like Rick

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Just last week a friend sent me a link to a blog by Rick Steves entitled, “What Would You Have Done?” Yes, this is THE Rick Steves, travel guide extraordinaire, whose world famous pocket size books recently navigated me through Amsterdam, Venice, Florence and Tuscany. His advice allowed us to visit the most coveted sites in our destination cites, so he was a hero to me before reading his blog. And now, I’m ready to start a Rick Steves fan club – but for a different reason.

This particular read wasn’t in his typical genre where he reviews a geographical area, an attraction or a favored restaurant. Rather, it was about what he observed and heard at a restaurant he was visiting in Ireland. Steves shared his account of an abusive situation he witnessed at a nearby table. Because I admire how masterfully he handled it, I’m compelled to share what Rick Steves taught us.

As it turns out, Steves and I have something in common. We have both observed women in restaurants trying to enjoy dinner while being verbally abused by the men who accompanied them. In his blog, he shares how he listened to the string of insults and complaints for 30 minutes until he couldn’t take anymore. Finally, he approached the abuser (I’m not sure he deserves the title of man) and called him on his behavior.

At one time in my life, I was that woman. I experienced several dinners, even publicly, getting bruised with a good old fashioned tongue lashing. One evening, there was a bonus round with a swift kick under the table. According to him, I deserved it.

Then, many years later, life came full circle.  I, too, witnessed a woman being verbally abused two years ago on my honeymoon. After some harsh words, there was a loud, stinging hand slap to her leg. With the help of waitress and another woman at a nearby table, we were able to give her the cash and a plan to escape in a cab while her boyfriend was away from the table. I shared this story in Chapter 8 of my book, The Attractive Trap, and added a reflection on the times I was in this situation.  However, one night something happened within me. I got my groove back and left the restaurant. And thankfully, soon after that, I had the courage to leave the relationship.

Here’s the bold truth we don’t acknowledge – if words could impose physical and not just emotional, mental and psychological damage, the women who endure this abuse would end up with a blood stained face, a black eye, and other visual damage. Even though there’s no outward evidence for many women, few things are more diminishing or harmful.  Over time, the inward damage can seem almost insurmountable as the impact reaps its harvest in the form of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, autoimmune illnesses and a host of other mental and physical diseases.

Verbal abuse is real. The abuser gets release and even satisfaction by lashing out at others about anything they claim happens to be your fault. The fact they’re berating another person even while in public isn’t an obstacle for them. They are so far removed from the harsh reality of how they show up and their impact on others, that slicing and dicing someone up openly is just another conversation in their world.

If you happen to ever be privy to this type of abuse, please step up and say something. While logically we may think, “Well, if she can’t stand up for herself, why should I?” excuses us from an intervention, it doesn’t. What many don’t realize is the women in these situations have been groomed for many years into thinking this is normal. Over time they feel they don’t have a voice. It’s ugly. It’s sick. And, it’s time to stand up.

Please – Be Like Rick.   To read Rick Steves’ blog, click here.

What Happens in the Canyon…

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By Teresa G. Carey, Author – The Attractive Trap

My husband tried to prepare me more than once, “You’ll leave something there, but you’ll take something far better out with you.”  As we started the trek from the North Rim of the Grand Canyon at 5:30 a.m. with two of our five kids, his advice kept repeating in my head. Yes, I anticipated nature’s splendor, expected physical discomfort and was counting on reaching the opposite rim before dark.  What else could possibly happen in THE canyon that would be so impactful?

Let’s get this straight – I was showing up to prove I could hike this beast of a canyon – rim to rim for 25ish miles in spite of the altitude challenges, hydration and heat issues.  And, yes, I also wanted the four of us to share in this gutsy glory and grandeur together. Although there were warning signs advising of the potential dangers of taking the full hike on in one day, I was convinced that was for all of those other people.

One month later, I’m still transfixed by the experience And, as usual, my husband who was no stranger to the canyon having run rim to rim to rim a few years ago, was spot on. These take-aways are a few of the treasures that came out with me, yet could never describe what happened that will sacredly stay there.

Control what you can, understand what you can’t, and lean into the unknown.

There was a complete surrender to the conditions that were out of our control – the heat, the terrain and the altitude. We could only control the training undertaken in our preparation and making sure we consumed sufficient water and nutrition the day of the hike. Having never trained in these exact conditions, we weren’t sure how our bodies would react. We found out quickly. The temperature variance was 50 degrees in about 4 hours and the elevation difference was about 6000 feet for both rims. We absolutely knew we weren’t in Kansas anymore.

When in unfamiliar territory, instead of resisting or questioning, it’s much more effective to dance with the experience, learning along the way while being fully present in each moment.

Pace Yourself

Two of us paced ourselves early on, allowing an energy reserve for the hardest part of the hike during the 8 mile climb out. Those who didn’t pace themselves struggled the most with heat stroke and cramps (We agreed the details of this part of the trek would always stay in the canyon!). There’s a reason this is touted as the one of the “ten most dangerous hiking trails.”  The heat in the box can reach over 120 degrees and the unexpected dozens of switchbacks invite a treacherous fall. Heat strokes are common. Dehydration is familiar. If you stop to rest a few minutes each hour and take in nutrition, you allow your body to pace, reserving the most energy for the most challenging part of the climb out.

When we treat too many areas with the tyranny of the urgent, our energy and impact are may be diminished for those things that ultimately matter.

Nature is cathartic – mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

In the canyon I became intimately present with myself and my Creator. It was transforming to experience the diverse and breathtaking beauty, the connection with nature and to hear only the internal beat of the drummer. The many proven benefits of connecting with nature were illuminated.  Here is just a handful:

There was no perceived stress. I was and am beyond grateful. My head is refreshingly clear.

We can’t always hike the Grand Canyon for our next life-changing adventure. We can, however, go for walks in the park or on a local trail or grab some much needed vacation time in a natural setting.

Because you never know what will happen “in the canyon” that you’ll leave behind or take away that will forever change you.

 

 

 

 

Renew & Reclaim – Podcast with Dr. Karin & Teresa Carey

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Did you miss out guest podcast appearance on Dr. Karin’s Love & Life podcast? Check it out here!  It’s all about renewing and reclaiming any area of our lives that isn’t in step with our core values and authenticity.

Dr. Karin  Love & Life Podcast with Teresa G. Carey

In my latest Riff on Relationships we talk about feeling trapped in #relationships and how to disentangle yourself when needed. The Attractive Trap joins the conversation on the podcast! Teresa G. Carey shares her story of being trapped in an abusive marriage for 23 years. Her life appeared perfect, but things were horrible behind the scenes . . .

https://soundcloud.com/drkarinloveandlife/dr-karin-love-life-have-you

Get Ready for Take-Off: The Flight to Freedom

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(Excerpt from Chapter 6, The Attractive Trap)

On a visit to Kitty Hawk, NC, I visited the famous Wright Brothers Museum. On one of the walls the three obstacles and subsequent lessons of flight were posted. After laborious trial and effort, the Wright brothers established three hurdles that must be overcome and applied in order to take and sustain flight. These same obstacles and lessons are the same hurdles all of the women in my book, The Attractive Trap, had to learn in order to ultimately escape their traps.

 

Obstacle Number One- Lift

In order to take off, you first have to achieve lift.  A wing surface has to be designed to take the greatest advantage of the fact that any air particles streaming across the upper and lower surfaces of the wing will keep it aloft.

Within each of us a resiliency and resolve to change must be established within our core.  This resiliency provides the strength and fortitude to not only take the initiative to change but to use the negative things that want to get in the way of the escape. The very stuff that aids in lifting or providing the initial momentum will also keep the process aloft.

Obstacle Number 2- Power

The Wright Brothers needed the design of a light weight, high powered engine along with efficient propellers, and a transmission mechanism which would provide enough propulsive force to provide forward motion, lift the heavy machine, and sustain that motion while in the air.

We can use our fuel such as anger or years of hurt in order to fuel the strength and health we need to press into the wind ahead. This allows us to convert emotions like anger to power and energy to move us through the flight.

Obstacle Number 3- Control

Stability and direction are always required for a successful flight.  The air flow over the rapidly turning blades of a propeller-driven plane produces thrust, or forward motion.  Each blade of the propeller acts as a small rotating force allowing air to flow over its curved surface. It then allows for horizontal “lift” which propels the aircraft forward.

The Wright Brothers borrowed this principle of thrust from their knowledge of how a bicycle works.  As we start and continue to peddle, momentum ensues.

“Just keep moving forward”, is the message we must tell ourselves and apply.  We can always find the resources needed for the next step as a way to provide momentum.  If we stop at any point along the way, lift, power and control are lost, interfering with our go forward position.  Each time we delay, we become increasingly unsure of the process and push the pause button. When we land again and go through lift off multiple times, it delays our flight and subsequent freedom.

No matter how you are trying to advance in life – momentum is everything in driving the process.   As long as you keep going forward in the right direction, your momentum will take you to the desired state.  Guaranteed.

Buckle your seatbelt. It’s time for take-off.

Is it Time For Spring Cleaning?

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There’s something magically liberating about cleaning out closets, emptying drawers of unused items, and finally letting go of sad single socks whose mates long ago were forever lost in the vortex of the clothes dryer.  Ahhh… it’s finally spring time! I’ll take the renewal and reenergizing opportunities of warmer weather time over the rationalization of starting something in the new year – just because the earth has completed one more 365 rotation around the sun. (Actually just to get to the new day of the new year it’s 1/365 ¼ – but I’m not really counting.)

As I hauled overfilled bags of items to the curb this morning for a non-profit pick-up, it reminded me how this is a good time of the year to get rid of lots of things in our lives that might be weighing us down. It might be an unhealthy, one-sided friendship, a client that just isn’t worth the ROI expended or a toxic and abusive partner. If only it were as easy as the stroke of the keyboard! Usually, it’s not. Many years have often been invested, emotion runs deep and often we’re so accustomed to the crazy dance of the relationship, it may even feel “normal.”

If you are experiencing any of these signs or behaviors, it’s time for relationship spring cleaning:

  • There is even the slightest amount of control in the relationship – it can be as overt as physical or verbal abuse, or covert such as offering lavish gifts, affection, money or even continually questioning your judgment and abilities.
  • You don’t have inner peace with this person or in this situation. There is almost always a certain level of unrest. You are walking on eggshells just to make sure you don’t set them off. Consequently, you’re giving away your power when you’re with them the majority of the time.
  • You’re not able to be your authentic self when you’re with them. If you are, then they’ll react negatively and you’ll be left continually scraping up the fragments of their insecurities.

One of the greatest life lessons I’ve learned is there is only so much capacity in our multiverses.  If unhealthy things are taking up space, it’s impossible for there to be room for something good, noble and pure to find us. For all those years I hung on to an unhealthy relationship out of fear. I was told no one would want me. Once I believed my own truth and let the fear go, the best of what my heart desired started to find me.

It’s time for spring cleaning. Give up what’s not working for you then claim what you want and deserve. You’ll be surprised and delighted at what shows up.

Passion and Control – Good Lovin’ Gone Bad

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Ahhh…. It’s February and love is in the air. It’s the month of when we traditionally demonstrate and hopefully celebrate our passion for friends, significant others and family members. Red is everywhere and it’s only taken a few red hearts and boxes of chocolate these past few weeks as we’ve walked into a retail store to remind us of the importance of expressing ourselves to show those we are passionate about how we truly feel.

I’ve been reflecting on all those Valentine’s Days and many other days when I was with someone, but yet so alone. Passion and what once felt like real love seemed to escape me and become a stranger. Passion is tricky – it can show up in many ways- even as hate. We usually think of passion as a key marker that defines the spark or energy in a relationship. Often it’s this chemistry or passion that we use to decide if someone is dating or even friendship material.

After being in the desert for many years in a 23 year old marriage, I was desperate for passion! And unfortunately, the words of Proverbs 27:7 were never truer: “A person who is full refuses honey, but even bitter food tastes sweet to the hungry.” We can be so hungry that what is disguised as passion is actually unhealthy control. How do we know the difference? Here are just a few of the markers of unhealthy passion and control:

Grandiosity – Are there gifts and certain actions that are over the top? Does it seem too good to be true? If someone is giving you a credit card or offering a lavish trip after only dating for one month, these are sure fire signs that control may be part of their M.O. Even if they can afford it, there is no rationalization for such outlandish behavior this early in a normal relationship.

The Offer of Financial Security – If someone is continually offering to buy things for you or suggesting you “need” them to take care of even the basics in your life, they may be grooming you for dependence. When someone starts saying you don’t need to work as much or that they will work and pay for everything are just starters. If it’s your goal to stay home at some point, that’s fine. However, if this discussion starts to unfold early before the talk of marriage or kids, it can signify they are setting you up to feel you have to rely on them for money.

Over Doting and Too Much Together Time – If your honey wants to be with you day and night offering little along time for either of you, they may have attachment issues that lead to excessive control. Is there a need to be close at all times? Are they looking for intimacy several times per day? Do you sometimes feel smothered? When you are alone, are you peppered with questions before and/or after you’re apart? There may even be a subtle or overt isolation from others who’ve been they perceive as a threat. If any of these are occurring, their insecurity with themselves and your relationship are spiraling into control.

Initially, there may be a fine line between passion and control. Yet over time, you will discern the differences if you honor your heart and intuition as well as stay aware of patterns of behavior. What may surface as genuine care, love and compassion in the beginning, are really the signs for a need for control. In your hunger for passion, you may have just attracted a controlling partner. The earlier you can recognize these signs and step away from this trap, the sooner you can attract true passion without the price being too high.