Category Archives: Healthy Relationships

Get Ready for Take-Off: The Flight to Freedom

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(Excerpt from Chapter 6, The Attractive Trap)

On a visit to Kitty Hawk, NC, I visited the famous Wright Brothers Museum. On one of the walls the three obstacles and subsequent lessons of flight were posted. After laborious trial and effort, the Wright brothers established three hurdles that must be overcome and applied in order to take and sustain flight. These same obstacles and lessons are the same hurdles all of the women in my book, The Attractive Trap, had to learn in order to ultimately escape their traps.

 

Obstacle Number One- Lift

In order to take off, you first have to achieve lift.  A wing surface has to be designed to take the greatest advantage of the fact that any air particles streaming across the upper and lower surfaces of the wing will keep it aloft.

Within each of us a resiliency and resolve to change must be established within our core.  This resiliency provides the strength and fortitude to not only take the initiative to change but to use the negative things that want to get in the way of the escape. The very stuff that aids in lifting or providing the initial momentum will also keep the process aloft.

Obstacle Number 2- Power

The Wright Brothers needed the design of a light weight, high powered engine along with efficient propellers, and a transmission mechanism which would provide enough propulsive force to provide forward motion, lift the heavy machine, and sustain that motion while in the air.

We can use our fuel such as anger or years of hurt in order to fuel the strength and health we need to press into the wind ahead. This allows us to convert emotions like anger to power and energy to move us through the flight.

Obstacle Number 3- Control

Stability and direction are always required for a successful flight.  The air flow over the rapidly turning blades of a propeller-driven plane produces thrust, or forward motion.  Each blade of the propeller acts as a small rotating force allowing air to flow over its curved surface. It then allows for horizontal “lift” which propels the aircraft forward.

The Wright Brothers borrowed this principle of thrust from their knowledge of how a bicycle works.  As we start and continue to peddle, momentum ensues.

“Just keep moving forward”, is the message we must tell ourselves and apply.  We can always find the resources needed for the next step as a way to provide momentum.  If we stop at any point along the way, lift, power and control are lost, interfering with our go forward position.  Each time we delay, we become increasingly unsure of the process and push the pause button. When we land again and go through lift off multiple times, it delays our flight and subsequent freedom.

No matter how you are trying to advance in life – momentum is everything in driving the process.   As long as you keep going forward in the right direction, your momentum will take you to the desired state.  Guaranteed.

Buckle your seatbelt. It’s time for take-off.

Is it Time For Spring Cleaning?

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There’s something magically liberating about cleaning out closets, emptying drawers of unused items, and finally letting go of sad single socks whose mates long ago were forever lost in the vortex of the clothes dryer.  Ahhh… it’s finally spring time! I’ll take the renewal and reenergizing opportunities of warmer weather time over the rationalization of starting something in the new year – just because the earth has completed one more 365 rotation around the sun. (Actually just to get to the new day of the new year it’s 1/365 ¼ – but I’m not really counting.)

As I hauled overfilled bags of items to the curb this morning for a non-profit pick-up, it reminded me how this is a good time of the year to get rid of lots of things in our lives that might be weighing us down. It might be an unhealthy, one-sided friendship, a client that just isn’t worth the ROI expended or a toxic and abusive partner. If only it were as easy as the stroke of the keyboard! Usually, it’s not. Many years have often been invested, emotion runs deep and often we’re so accustomed to the crazy dance of the relationship, it may even feel “normal.”

If you are experiencing any of these signs or behaviors, it’s time for relationship spring cleaning:

  • There is even the slightest amount of control in the relationship – it can be as overt as physical or verbal abuse, or covert such as offering lavish gifts, affection, money or even continually questioning your judgment and abilities.
  • You don’t have inner peace with this person or in this situation. There is almost always a certain level of unrest. You are walking on eggshells just to make sure you don’t set them off. Consequently, you’re giving away your power when you’re with them the majority of the time.
  • You’re not able to be your authentic self when you’re with them. If you are, then they’ll react negatively and you’ll be left continually scraping up the fragments of their insecurities.

One of the greatest life lessons I’ve learned is there is only so much capacity in our multiverses.  If unhealthy things are taking up space, it’s impossible for there to be room for something good, noble and pure to find us. For all those years I hung on to an unhealthy relationship out of fear. I was told no one would want me. Once I believed my own truth and let the fear go, the best of what my heart desired started to find me.

It’s time for spring cleaning. Give up what’s not working for you then claim what you want and deserve. You’ll be surprised and delighted at what shows up.

Passion and Control – Good Lovin’ Gone Bad

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Ahhh…. It’s February and love is in the air. It’s the month of when we traditionally demonstrate and hopefully celebrate our passion for friends, significant others and family members. Red is everywhere and it’s only taken a few red hearts and boxes of chocolate these past few weeks as we’ve walked into a retail store to remind us of the importance of expressing ourselves to show those we are passionate about how we truly feel.

I’ve been reflecting on all those Valentine’s Days and many other days when I was with someone, but yet so alone. Passion and what once felt like real love seemed to escape me and become a stranger. Passion is tricky – it can show up in many ways- even as hate. We usually think of passion as a key marker that defines the spark or energy in a relationship. Often it’s this chemistry or passion that we use to decide if someone is dating or even friendship material.

After being in the desert for many years in a 23 year old marriage, I was desperate for passion! And unfortunately, the words of Proverbs 27:7 were never truer: “A person who is full refuses honey, but even bitter food tastes sweet to the hungry.” We can be so hungry that what is disguised as passion is actually unhealthy control. How do we know the difference? Here are just a few of the markers of unhealthy passion and control:

Grandiosity – Are there gifts and certain actions that are over the top? Does it seem too good to be true? If someone is giving you a credit card or offering a lavish trip after only dating for one month, these are sure fire signs that control may be part of their M.O. Even if they can afford it, there is no rationalization for such outlandish behavior this early in a normal relationship.

The Offer of Financial Security – If someone is continually offering to buy things for you or suggesting you “need” them to take care of even the basics in your life, they may be grooming you for dependence. When someone starts saying you don’t need to work as much or that they will work and pay for everything are just starters. If it’s your goal to stay home at some point, that’s fine. However, if this discussion starts to unfold early before the talk of marriage or kids, it can signify they are setting you up to feel you have to rely on them for money.

Over Doting and Too Much Together Time – If your honey wants to be with you day and night offering little along time for either of you, they may have attachment issues that lead to excessive control. Is there a need to be close at all times? Are they looking for intimacy several times per day? Do you sometimes feel smothered? When you are alone, are you peppered with questions before and/or after you’re apart? There may even be a subtle or overt isolation from others who’ve been they perceive as a threat. If any of these are occurring, their insecurity with themselves and your relationship are spiraling into control.

Initially, there may be a fine line between passion and control. Yet over time, you will discern the differences if you honor your heart and intuition as well as stay aware of patterns of behavior. What may surface as genuine care, love and compassion in the beginning, are really the signs for a need for control. In your hunger for passion, you may have just attracted a controlling partner. The earlier you can recognize these signs and step away from this trap, the sooner you can attract true passion without the price being too high.

Just. One. Word.

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Just. One. Word.

What’s the power of a single word? Just one word? If you could only pick one word to guide your thoughts and actions for this year, what would it be?

At the beginning of each year, many feel internal and/ or external pressure to make the traditional New Year’s resolutions. Those arguing resolutions are too esoteric may pen more measurable and realistic aspirations, or goals. Whatever camp you’re in, let me suggest changing up or even expanding upon your approach for 2017.

In The Attractive Trap, I highlight the importance of claiming your purpose and passion to help guide you on your journey. Having a word as your mantra or “word of the year” can help you find that focus. When you go through the grit of a difficult marriage or relationship, you have to refigure yourself out and having a “word of the year” can help you focus and stay on track to your core values and what you want to focus on as you begin to grow and develop your calling or purpose.

For the past several years, I’ve chosen one word as “the word of the year”. Since 1915, Webster has also selected a word of the year so I can’t claim they got the idea from me. In 2015, instead of selecting a word for the year, Wikipedia chose an emoticon/pictograph of the year. A sure sign of the times!
I can’t tell you how or the exact year this idea started for me – only that it’s worked brilliantly in providing focus on what’s important and in guiding choices.

The year I needed to make a major life decision, my word was CHOICES. For perhaps the first time ever, I realized I had a choice in that situation. It was transforming. The next year, my word was ADVENTURE. At the tender age of 47, I started swimming, biking and running, and learned about my love for triathlons. In another year, the word was ABUNDANCE. Everything I needed, and even some things I wanted, found me. The next year the word was GRATITUDE – for my family and husband, my health, and the gift of rising every day to live life doing what I love. Last year my word was SIMPLIFY. My last of three children left for college. For the first time in almost 26 years, the nest was empty so I decluttered, chose commitments wisely as well as eliminated what didn’t feed my soul. This year my word is JOY – having that eternal feeling of inner bliss in all situations.

What’s your one word? Share it on our Facebook page. It’s Just. One. Word. And, it’s guaranteed to help you connect with your purpose and become the butterfly you’re meant to be.

Freedom Shows Up in the Most Unexpected Places

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Freedom shows up
It was a typical humid August day in Yadkin County, NC. I had been in my hometown for just a few days with the family for our annual summer trip. On this morning I was sitting outside in the early hours alone, just thinking – a rarity for a normal day. As I savored my last few sips of coffee, I realized I had seen three yellow butterflies close enough to catch.

Reluctantly moving on with my day, I gathered up my gym bag and headed to the local YMCA. While driving there, I spotted yet another butterfly. Why was this significant to me? My book cover designer claimed a single butterfly months before as the visual representation for freedom on the cover of my book, The Attractive Trap. So for me, these colorful and symbolic creatures now rarely go unnoticed.

Once at the gym, I checked the box on my swim then headed to the stationary bike. Within minutes of choosing my ride for the next hour, a companion cyclist made her way to the bike beside of me. Something on HGTV caught our attention at the same time and in unison we commented to each other. This was the beginning of what will be a long remembered conversation.

Velma introduced herself as we continued our talk. Maybe we were chatting to pass the time, or perhaps it was that we both sensed there was something deeper to our new connection. Ultimately we discovered it was the latter. Velma, a spry 72 year old beauty, had recently moved back to the area to be with family. As our talk progressed, the commonality stunned me.

Velma, one of eight children, had left home right after high school to be with someone she had met on a whim in NYC. She put herself through nursing school, worked hard, and was a strong, purposeful woman. In spite of her spunk, and maybe even because of it, Velma had attracted and married a “trapper”.

Velma continued to stay in NYC, knowing all the while she was being abused. But “it wasn’t that often”, and rarely physical. With so many miles between her and her family in NC, she opted to stay, even though her few eventual confidantes encouraged her to leave. For more than 30 years, Velma stayed in the trap. One day, with an earthshattering awakening, Velma broke free. That was seven years ago and now, she was back home in NC, on a bike – the first claim to freedom for all of us.

The sweat started to surface on Velma’s yellow shirt as she rode and talked. From my vantage point, it was as though the tears cried inside of her had been collected all of those years and were now releasing through her skin. Our collision wasn’t a simple coincidence. It was heaven-breathed. I was Velma and Velma was me.

As the sweat continued to cool Velma, I felt it too. Those were my tears and part of my labored course on the path to freedom. Like Velma, I became free and transformed into a butterfly. That was the part of the story that brought smiles to our faces as our encounter came to a joyful close.

Velma was the last butterfly I saw that day, but I’ve continued to see them. And most of them, like freedom, show up in the most unexpected places.

How Shame Drives How We Show Up – Or Not

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Don't be ashamed of your story
It’s intriguing to observe what people say and do. It’s often even more intriguing to notice what they don’t.

A few months ago, I published a book called, The Attractive Trap: Freeing Yourself from an Unhealthy Relationship. I was called to write this book because I know there are women caught in a variety of traps in relationships. How do I know this? I lived in The Trap for 23 years. I almost got caught a second time. I’m not alone. Once I broke my silence, I heard countless stories from women who shared the traps of current and past relationships.

This wasn’t an easy choice for me. It’s shameful. It’s embarrassing. Yet, after wrestling with this calling, I had to open the box.
There are many books about physical abuse, but few about the traps of emotional, mental and even spiritual abuse. The signs are hard to recognize at first, and once we do, it’s even more difficult to talk about the experience.

It’s become apparent to me in marketing the book that people are simply uncomfortable speaking out about this epidemic that affects one in four women.

Interestingly, I have 421 personal Facebook friends. Recently, I posted a photo of the fried hushpuppies my family and I devoured during a visit to my hometown. Within hours, it received 40 “Likes.” Contrast that to a July 4th post in which I placed a whimsical and patriotic picture of a bike on The Attractive Trap Facebook page to represent freedom. To generate discussion, I asked the question, “What does freedom mean to you?” Maybe freedom is such a lost concept we don’t even know how to answer. Maybe the 2,359 people it reached were busy eating hotdogs and watermelon. Maybe, just maybe, they were too ashamed to admit they don’t have personal freedom. Only two brave souls were willing to share their descriptions of freedom.

A month before, I posed a more serious and riveting question, “What would you do if you knew one of your loved ones was in an abusive relationship?” I received one “like” (and that was from my devoted husband). No responses. God help us. I hope this isn’t reflective of how we would show up for the people we love. If so, God help them.

It’s been perhaps even more telling to experience what my friends have said and not said. Some are elated. Some are dead silent. One questioned why I would broach this and not leave it in the past.

We’ve got to get over our shame if we are going to face this issue head on. Maybe you’re not in The Trap. I pray you aren’t. However, I can guarantee you know someone who is. It’s your sister or your neighbor or your co-worker or your best friend. What are you going to do about it?

Shame is a trap – for all of us. Not because of what it makes us do. But more because of what it causes us not to do. And that’s the real shame…